B

Bae

What they said

k.

What they meant

I am totally not ok with this. I don’t know how to express this yet so I’m going to act passive aggressively for now but bring this issue up later in front of your friends. I will make this our “We were on a break” moment and will whip this out whenever it’s convenient.

H

Hottie from gym

What they said

you up?

What they meant

This is me subtly trying to initiate some sexting. I’m playing it cool so that if you call me out on it, I can easily deny and claim “I just wanted to talk… yeesh”. Please send nudes.

C

Coworker

What they said

Hi there! When you have a moment, can you send me that file?

What they meant

Where the hell did you go? You were here two minutes ago?! I need to send that godforsaken file before someone important asks for it and we look bad.

G

Group chat with friends🔥

What they said

Leaving now, see you soon!

What they meant

I literally just crawled out of bed and I’m at least 30 minutes from actually leaving the house.

M

Mom

What they said

...

What they meant

I’m highlighting an awkward pause in our conversation. I’m waiting for you to reply to a question I asked you but you’re taking too gosh darn long. I’m feeling a bit impatient with a side of sassy today and this is how I’m letting you know.

E

The Ex

What they said

Whatever

What they meant

I'm deeply disappointed by what you just said. Rather than explain why, I'm delivering this one-word bomb to make it sting. I'm obviously mad but I want you to taste the passive aggressive meal this word serves up. Bon Appétit.

P

Phone Company

What they said

Telecorp msg: Sale starts today! Add a family member to your plan and take advantage of epic prices on the latest smartphones. Call 1 800 333 5555, or visit telecorp.ca/deal. Ends April 30.

What they meant

We are a huge telecommunications company speaking to you through a texting robot. Beep boop. There is a sale. Click on this link so we can deliver positive website traffic results to our marketing manager.

B

Bae

What they said

Are you coming home for dinner?

What they meant

How much longer do I have the house to myself?

S

Sibling

What they said

What did you get Dad for his birthday?

What they meant

I haven’t gotten him a gift yet. I’m banking on the fact that you know me well enough and got him something we can split. I’ll promise to send you an e-transfer and then conveniently forget. Thaaaaaanks

P

Pretty much anyone

What they said

Lol

What they meant

I’m actually deadpan staring at my phone right now. You tried to make a joke and I feel obligated to humour you, so here, take this. I am still engaged in this conversation but let’s keep it moving.

T

Trying to be Bae

What they said

Sup

What they meant

I’m really bored and would like your attention. I don’t want to seem needy though, so I’ve shortened “what’s up” to make it seem as though I don’t really care.

W

Work Friend

What they said

Wanna grab a drink after work?

What they meant

I just had one HELL of a day and I need to blow off some steam. Expect a main course of bitching about my boss with a side of office crush and a dash of Karen from accounting.

T

Teenager

What they said

srsly?

What they meant

You’ve just said something so dumbfoundingly stupid. This is me giving you a chance to rethink that text and follow up with something along the lines of “Just kidding”. I’m throwing you a lifeline, take it before you drown.

F

Friend

What they said

What are you doing?

What they meant

I have something planned and I want you to be part of it. I've already written the request and will likely hit send regardless of what your reply actually says.

B

Bae

What they said

Its fine.

What they meant

It is most definitely not fine. Re-read what you just sent me and imagine the worst possible way I could have interpreted it. That’s what I’m thinking right now.

F

Friend

What they said

Are you home?

What they meant

I’m about to induce some serious anxiety for you. Am I around the corner? Am I planning on stopping by unannounced? Will I be coming with Pizza? Roll the dice and reply to find out.

C

Client

What they said

Just wanted to touch base...

What they meant

My boss wants an update on the project and has tasked me with asking for it. I am the messenger. Hello :)